"I have wet hands. Jenny, you unzip it."
                                    - Brian

"I'm not a trooper, I'm just a property owner!"
                                    - Mr. Marcom

"Who's Howard Cosell? Is he the one who bit the whores?"
                                    - Carl

"Yeah Kevin, you do wear a lot of blue. Are you a crypt or something?"
                                    - Adeola

Brian: "We're the tightest rhythm section around."
Andrea: "And you still haven't seen each other's penises?"

"I don't think I've ever had a penis in my eye."
                                    - Jenny

"I was blinded with beer."
                                    - Brian

"Get in there, Tiger. Literally."
                                    - Zach

"I didn't hear what you just said, but I don't want to hear what you just said."
                                    - Brian

"You can't put a price on that -- at least not legally."
                                    - Carl

"I just want to do entertainment law so I can meet rock stars and have sex with them"
                                    - Vicki

"I tried filling up my bathtub with thousands of those little goldfish crackers and swimming around in them, but it just wasn't the same."
                                    - Kevin

"I love mayo. I'd bathe myself in mayo if I had the chance."
                                    - Cyrus

"What do the dead dogs get? A pat on the head before I take their liver."
                                    - Rich

"What? I can beat off to this sh*t."
                                    - Cyrus

"I'm not drunk, but I'm gonna get drunker."
                                    - Jenny

"I don't know if you had sex with him so much as you took sex from him."
                                    - Zach

"You'll have to find something to do with your giant nutsack, because I'm not moving it!"
                                    - Nicole (to John)

"I had some friends in high school who bought the green bottle just so they could put it on their nuts."
                                    - John

"How low have you fallen when that's your job? Maybe it's time to learn how to fucking type."                                     - Mike

"If they bring any less Marshall cabinets, then the terrorists have already won."
                                    - Zach

"I can show you how to work it."
                                    - Shannon

"A little less touching, a little more shutting up."
                                    - Zach

"I mean... it's not horrible. You've just gotta stick it a little better."
                                    - Rich

"Sex has a way of making bad music sound good. I have the Enya cd to prove it."
                                    - Eric Dedert

"Is that it? Is that as big as it's going to get? It's still pretty small."
                                    - Keith (to Zach)

"That's the funniest thing you've said since we came out of the bedroom."
                                    - Zach

"Zach, I can see through this shirt and I'm not taking it off until we leave and you're driving."
                                    - Jenny

"But I can promise that as soon as I get that cash I will hit my knees."
                                    - Elfish Lollygagger

"All I can think about is that pizza that makes me want to throw up on it."
                                    - Claire

"I can stand the freezing cold and wet, but as soon as you put a noose around my balls-- that's when I'm calling it quits."
                                    - Cyrus

"I wore them so much that I wore the butt out of them."
                                    - Ali

"A finger to the belly is like my kryptonite."
                                    - Zach

"Reindeer are sexy. What do you think they do the rest of the year?"
                                    - Brian

"No, the Fiat doesn't compare to video games or Skyline Chili, and certainly not the nipple."
                                    - Zach

"Time flies when you're down a load."
                                    - Zach

"I think this feels like what a hernia must feel like."
                                    - Cyrus

"It's small but I think it's exciting."
                                    - Carl

"I just wanted to go kayaking like all those people in the herpes commercials."
                                    - Erika

"Sometimes when I squeeze it, a little comes out, but most of the time nothing comes out."
                                    - Mike

"Jenny, it's hard not to look at your crack."
                                    - Zach

"For your birthday, I’m getting you a pair of pliers to pull that rod out of your ass."
                                    - Keith

"I've gotta say... my farts don't really smell, usually."
                                    - Keith

"I might be drunk here, but I'm pretty sure that guy just asked the dog if he wanted to see his junk"
                                  - Jenny

"I don't want any money. Just stop talking."
                                  - Mete

"I don't think any of my MAIN flaws are going to come out in a picture."
                                    - Jenny

"I am listening to Speed Bump as I type this, and unfortunately, it isn't bad. I will continue to make fun of Mostly Robot regardless."

                                    - Keith

"Wait until you stick it in your mouth. It's worse than you think."
                                    - John

"Do you mean I might actually know something that you don't know?"
                                    - DD

"I'd like to eat some cheese cubes off that chick in the blue shirt's stomach."
                                    - Pip

"You know when the inside of your pants are glazed that it's time to wash them."
                                    - Zach

"There's no way you're gonna get a burro on eBay for any less than $300."
                                    - John

"Talk about paying your damned dues..."
                                    - Brian

"I don't want to be missing any more good 'butt shots'."
                                    - Mike

"I'm sure the titties don't start flyin' until at least 11 o'clock or so."
                                    - Nicole

"Hey, we didn't shave our genitals tonight just so you could stand a few feet away from us."
                                    - Tyler

"I'm pretty sure I could punch rivets with my nipples."
                                    - Kevin

"Glad the oven works; now put your head in it."
                                    - Brian

"Have you been playing along? Playing the 'Home Game'? "
                                    - Mike

"I crave Cheez-Its. I love Cheez-Its."
                                    - Cyrus

"They're discriminating against people with with large crotches."
                                    - Theresa

"The point is, I got to listen to music and watch a drunk man dance. I can't say that hour was wasted."
                                    - Carl

"I do have way too many 'boy crushes' lately."
                                    - Brian

"Does Keith hate me?"
                                    - Adam

"Anyone that gives some to a band member gets in free."
                                    - Keith

"Hmm... I'm a little loopy after one beer."
                                    - Brian

"She was practicing with the balls."
                                    - Erin

"What is it? Carlingus?"
                                    - Suzanne

"Brian, you really want to smack it, don't you?"
                                    - Andrea

"We were talking about Brittany Murphy's ass."
                                    - Brian

"My typical night is me, lying in bed, crying in the fetal position while I watch scrambled porn."
                                    - Rich

"I was sitting there in bed with my covers on and I was uncomfortable."
                                    - Brian

"This guy's surprizingly clean, considering the fact that he cleans himself with dirt."
                                    - John

Adeola: "I need to get a new one."
Kevin: "Why?"
Adeola: "Because the battery in my mom's lasts longer."

"It's just that I think that Beth and Doni are mostly robot."
                                    - Zach

"So this week you're playing with De Novo Dahl and next week you're playing with the...uh... Rug Munchers or whatever, right?"
                                    - Erika

"It starts earlier every year with you Gentiles."
                                    - Keith

Julio: "Cyrus, did you fart?"
Cyrus: "Well, not really."

"I don't know what's fatter......my weiner or my wallet."
                                    - Carrol Veitlauwf

"You play the Devil's music. You can skip church."
                                    - Keith

"The pure rage just gives me chills. It's so wonderful."
                                    - Fuzzbox

"I'd like to go on record as saying that the last message I posted on Carligula.com is the funniest thing I've ever posted."
                                    - Keith

"I can't do it properly without blowing out my clots."
                                    - Brian

"I was a lot more mature when I was 10 than I am now."
                                    - Cyrus

"Darkroom?...It's about masturbation?... Cool."
                                    - Kevin

"If badgers and cobras weren't blocking the dishwasher, he could turn it on himself."
                                    - Brian

"The more she cranks the gain on her distortion pedal, the wider that margin of victory becomes."
                                    - Mike

"WOW chips? Wow, 'you're gay' chips!"
                                    - Brian

"Doesn't matter. You can still pump it."
                                    - Zach

Andrea asks: "So, do you still like me?"
David replies: "Of course I do. You're my favorite person. You and MacGyver."

"It's worse than a train derailing. It's more like a train full of nails derailing into a chalkboard factory."
                                    - Mike